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Writer's picturekamali ganapathy

A struggling feminist of a brown household

My rant is almost 750 words so brace yourself!

How do you identify yourself as a feminist in a place where the above-mentioned word is considered unorthodox and just as an excuse to drink, smoke, and do what guys do? 

As a child growing up, I saw my mother taking care of everyone at home, working tirelessly throughout the day meeting everyone’s needs without making time for herself. As I grew, I realized she was not just a ‘Mother’ but a ‘martyr’. We are taught to love our mothers but not respect them and mothers are taught to live for others to constantly put their family ahead of themselves. My mother was 19 years old when she got married and my aunt was 15 years old when she got married 29 years have passed and I don’t think I have found a single day where they just lived for themselves. I wonder how the hell they don’t resent their kids or partners but then I realize this is what they are taught about motherhood or being a wife/partner to someone. Even I was persuaded to dislike or disrespect girls/women who were different from me.


So, coming from that background it was very hard for me to understand the concept of ‘feminism’. Because I never heard my mom complain about her state and I wondered why do other women do. And then I started noticing things that made me think otherwise. I have an elder brother and as much as I am treated as an equal there were disparities in dress codes, house chore allotment, expectations, duties and so many more between us. Surprisingly most of it, if not all came from the females of my household. In a brown household more often than not you are given the option of choosing between someone else’s choices but never given the freedom to make a choice of your own and to me, that’s what feminism is. Living life on my own terms where no one has to ‘let me’ do anything. Freedom to make my own choices where freedom is not someone else’s to give.

So, when I disliked the way a brown household operates I promised myself that I would make it better for my kid. But don’t I too deserve better? It was extremely hard because I thought I wouldn’t be able to voice out my opinion without picking up a fight. I feared to speak up and that’s when I realized that I am scared to be myself at my own home and this world thrived on my silence. I made sure I stood up for myself in every possible way I can and I realized I can’t win all the fights at all times but that didn’t mean I should stop fighting.

It was surprising how easily things started to change for me. People say that it takes years or decades to reform a belief. A big tree grows from a tiny seed. It takes years for a tree to grow and become what it is, do we not sow the seed as it takes a long time? No. Even with a regressive upbringing my father and mother understood me in a lot of ways. It just took me a minute to a day to reform decade-long beliefs. My parents supported me in becoming who I am today and not restrict me as an individual. They changed, progressed, evolved and they made the lives of their kids a million times better and I promised that I would go one step further for my kid.

Even now I struggle to call myself a ‘feminist’ because I believe I don’t stand up against sexism or gender discrimination in my household or professional place as much as I would like to. I sometimes think I am a bad feminist but I never give up. I believe it is a journey and as long as I am moving, I am grateful and proud. Hope & change been my biggest strengths. Hoping that things will get better and believing that people will change. If my 55-year-old father or 49-year-old mother can change, anyone can. 

All we gotta do is try and fight. Yes, it can get extremely exhausting at times when we think about why we have to fight for things that are actually our rights. So, you take a break, you rest but never stop fighting, and believe that one day you don’t have to fight anymore.

In case of any queries or feedback, head to the comment section. Live, Love & Laugh!

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