I was about 12 years old when I felt the loss of someone I held very dear. It was the same time when I believed that the world would end in 2012 but hey it’s 2020, we are still going strong, you know what strike that we are somehow still going.
You can understand how naive a 12 year old can be. So when I lost my dearest grandfather, I know we are accustomed now to understand that death is a part of life and all that but at that age when I stood beside him as he breathed his last and all my family members screamed their lungs out I felt numb, shaken. I have never witnessed something like that before losing someone in front of your eyes, so it completely shook me to say the least.
But I couldn’t cry, I don’t know why but I just couldn’t cry. I didn’t want to lose him but somehow I did, I understood that but I just couldn’t cry may be I was never ready to accept. That night as a custom in India I believe people aren’t allowed to sleep where a corpse is kept (It is still strange and cold for me to address him like that), I was lying in a corner of the room looking at the ice box he was kept suddenly I felt something.
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When I saw him lying in that ice box I felt comfort in the most difficult of times. Just his presence gave me something he doesn’t have to speak, walk or do anything but I felt him being there was enough just to lie. I was just not ready to feel the emptiness once he finally goes. And I thought why do we cremate people who die, I know it is so silly there are thousands of medical reasons you could give me right to prove how stupid I was but I thought we can keep him in an ice box forever. He will just be there and that was enough for me and I wasn’t ready to let go.
And that’s when I understood how selfish I was. I was okay him not being himself but I wanted him there for me as a corpse forever locked in an ice box and with no life or soul. And that’s when I understood why we let go. Because it is only fair for them for who have to finally rest in peace. To honor their living self. And that’s when I understood why it is also important to let go in relationships too. We somehow turn cruelly selfish and make a person stay in it just because we feel better when they feel like they are dead and trapped inside an ice box forever living a soulless life and once I understood how it felt I never forced anybody to stay in my life I became detached in a good way where people can feel the warmth but never trapped.
When you let go of someone you don’t miss a part of you, you somehow gain a part of them staying with you forever in your fond memories. So never be scared to let go it is the closest thing you get to a closure and the best thing you can do to yourself when you feel like nothing is working. There is no just one beginning, believe every day is a new beginning and the endings won’t hurt you much!
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Kamalavinayagam G Designer/Amateur writer Insta profile My wix site
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